Wednesday, 24 December 2008

Microsoft Excel: Overnight shift hours calculation

Microsoft Excel can be used for your work record to keep track of number of hours worked in each shift. It is useful for those people who don't work regular day jobs and have to work at odd hour and/or have to work irregular lengths of shifts. However, it is not always easy to calculate the hours of day shifts and over-night shifts using the same formula. Here is formula which will accurately calculate lenghth of the shift whether it is a day shift or over-night shift:

=IF(((B2-A2)*24)<0,(b2-a2)*24+24,(b2-a2)*24)

B2 and A2 are the addresses of two cells. Make sure that any cell replacing B2 contains the time of shift's end and one replacing A2 contains shift's start time.

Here are two examples in work:

Example 1:

Example with military style time

Example 2:

Example with AM/PM style time

The column with Hours heading contains the above mentioned formula.

Sunday, 7 December 2008

Turn Off or Shut Down computer with keyboard in Windows XP

Let's say for some reason your monitors is not working and your CPU is still running. You want to properly turn off your CPU. You can't do it with mouse decause you have no display to know the location of mouse cursor. You need to turn off the computer with your keyboard.


This will work only when the computer screen is displaying the list of user accounts. Take a look at following picture from Microsoft website for an example:

Above Image: © 2008 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.



Here are three easy steps to turn off computer using your keyboard:

  1. Hit Tab key on your keyboard. It will bring focus to Turn off Computer button.
  2. Press either space bar or Enter.
  3. Press U on your keyboard.

Now wait for your computer to completely turn off.

If you are not familiar with above screen, you might want to visit following link:

http://www.microsoft.com/windowsxp/using/setup/winxp/accounts.mspx

Saturday, 6 December 2008

Sikh Joke from my jokes collection 24

Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.

“I would like to buy this small TV”, he told the salesman.

“Sorry, we don’t sell to Sardars”, he replied.

He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to Sardars”, Salesman replied.

“Damn, he recognized me”, he thought. He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to Sardars”, he replied.

Frustrated, he exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a Sardar?”

“Because that’s a microwave”, he replied.

Friday, 5 December 2008

A History of 666

“Do you know what 666 means?” it is almost-quotation paraphrase of a reply that I got when I sent my first email using my first hotmail address to a stranger in a hope of making an online friend who I had never seen. Surprised and mildly shocked by the reply, I thought, “I guess, he doesn’t like strangers”.

Being a Muslim and living in a Muslim majority country, I had no idea why the recipient was offended by my email.

It wasn’t until a few years later when I accidentally found that it wasn’t my email that offended the recipient; but rather my email address which had the figure 666 in it.

What I found out was that in West, among Christians to be exact, 666 is “The Number of the Beast”, an extremely unholy number. With Christians comprising less than 3% of the total population, I found very few Christians in my country and their only interest with Christianity was to be able to get into a local church without being accused of being a Muslim by the white pastor. None of my local Christian friends and acquaintances could relate anything special to this number.

Not that I believe you are curious, I will tell you the story of my email address and how I ended up with the number 666 in it.

Along with being a number in locally used decimal numerical system, which by a strange coincidence is also used internationally, 555 is also the name of a local cheap brand of cigarettes (or fags in British). I was trying to come up with an “acceptable” email address with hotmail. All of user names of my choice had been taken and hotmail was giving me all kinds of strange suggestion which mostly involved adding a number after my user name just before circular a. By the way where is it, oh yeah, found it: @.

Most of the numerical suggestions from hotmail, for some reason, involved either the information regarding my birth or then-current year. I wanted to have an email address which wouldn’t be very open about my descent to the mortal world or the animal type of then-current year. Any random number chosen by me had a very good chance of slipping out of my mind just after me hitting “sign out” button. Suddenly an imaginary light-bulb over my head suggested the number 555. With this number had I forgotten my email address, all I had to do was drop by local candy store and get a little glimpse of the cigarette-racks behind the storekeeper. Then again, I did not want to use a brand-name in my email address since I hade no promise of financial compensation from the cigarette-manufacturer for the unintentional advertisement of their product. Then the number 666 was thrown at me by the same light-bulb. It worked on many different levels. Its pattern was obviously very similar to the brand-name which I won’t be mentioning anymore. The number in writing is very similar to the brand-name which I won’t be mentioning anymore. The brand-name which I won’t be mentioning anymore is very easy to make into 666 should I make a calligraphic mistake while adorning the fa├žade of my concrete home with my email address instead of the building number. Had I forgotten my hotmail user name, all I had to do to remember it was drop by my local candy store, get a glimpse of cigarette-racks behind the storekeeper, and add 111 to the brand-name which I won’t be mentioning anymore. Number 111 was easy to remember. It was a part of almost all of local UAN’s, the so-called Universal Access Numbers.

Long story short I used the number 666 and the email address was never used twice.

Thursday, 4 December 2008

Sikh Joke from my jokes collection 23

Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They were planning for free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point, “Oh! We’ll get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?”

That was a difficult question indeed. Suddenly Banta Singh replied, “No problem! We’ll attack USA, it would take over us and then we would be a state of USA and we’ll automatically get developed.”

All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word. Someone asked him why he wasn’t happy.

The surd replied, “Oh! That’s alright but...what would happen if by chance we take over USA?”

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 22

Q. What will a Sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper? (he already has one and he wants one more..)
A. He takes a photocopy of the white paper!

Sunday, 30 November 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 21

Q. What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies?
A. He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes!

Friday, 28 November 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 20

A Sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object.

He asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”

The clerk replies, “That is a thermos flask.”

The Sardar then asks, “What does it do?”

The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”

The Sardar says, “I’ll take it!”

The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos.

His Sardar boss sees him and asks, “What is that shiny object with you?”

He said, “It’s a thermos flask.”

The boss then says, “What does it do?”

He replies, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

The boss said, “Wow, what do you have in it?”

The Sardar replies, “Two cups of coffee and a coke.”

Thursday, 27 November 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 19

Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally, a search is being made. They find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims, “71st and again barefoot!”

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 18

Our Sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column “Salary Expected”: He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote: “Yes”

Saturday, 22 November 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 17

Q. Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
A. So you don’t have to re-train them on Monday.

Friday, 21 November 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 16

Q. What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A. Trying to hold on to a thought.

Thursday, 20 November 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 15

Sardarji calls Air India. “How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?”
“Just a sec”, says the rep.
“Thank you!” says the Sardarji and hangs up.

Saturday, 8 November 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 14

Sardarji is buying a TV. “Do you have color TVs?”
“Sure.”
“Give me a green one, please.”

Thursday, 30 October 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 13

Q. What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
A. Run like crazy. He’s got a hand grenade in his mouth.

Wednesday, 29 October 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 12

Q. What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Sunday, 26 October 2008

Sunday, 5 October 2008

Future Jokes: Sikh, Sardar and Sardarji

In near future, I am going to post some jokes which some of you might consider racist. These jokes target a certain religious community of India called Sikhs. This community is very visible in Canada and England too because of massive immigration.

Sikhs, along with being a religious community, also enjoy ethnic homogeneity and, unlike many other religious communities of the world, have same religious and communal lingua franca.

A Google search can be used to see their distinctive culture in pictures.

A person belonging to Sikh community is also called Sikh. Sikhs are also called Sardars for some reason. A Sikh can be addressed using the word "Sardar" and it is mostly considered polite to do so, especially when you want to talk to a Sikh, who is a stranger to you, in rather informal way. "Sardarji" is another and politer way to address and refer to a Sikh.

A stereotypical Sikh's name always ends with the word "Singh" although in real life not every Singh is a Sikh and not every Sikh is a Singh.

For some reason, like Scots (and many other ethnic groups which I don't remember), Sikhs are also butt of jokes. A negative stereotype of Sikhs is that they are slow in brain, they have very little intelligence and/or they are always below normal human IQ. All this negativity is used in jokes about Sikhs. Such jokes are quite popular in Pakistan due to the resentment against Sikhs for their participation in bloodshed of migrating Muslims (who were on their way to Pakistan from India) in 1947-48.

I apologise to everybody in advance if you find the up coming jokes about Sikhs distasteful or bad humour. The intention of these jokes is nothing but some moments of smiles and laughs. I am not from Sikh community and my community enjoys more jokes about itself than any other.

Friday, 3 October 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 10

Female Oriented C++

struct female_professionals
{
double styles;
short skirts;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge;
char non_co-operative;
};
struct beautiful_city_girl
{
double boyfriends;
short affairs;
long stories;
void greymatter;
char flirt;
};
struct engaged_females
{
double time_on_phone;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding;
char edgy;
};
struct newly_married_females
{
double dinner_invitation;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_break;
void bank_balance;
char hen_pecked;
};
struct married_females
{
double weight;
short tempered;
long gossip;
float hopes;
void word;
char unstable;
};
struct old_lady
{
double chin;
short memory;
long sighs;
void attention_from_men;
char chatterbox;
};
struct husband_wife_professionals
{
double income;
short tempered;
long time_no_see_each_other;
void love_life;
char money_making;

};

Thursday, 2 October 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 9

If an insect falls into a glass of Pepsi, then:

The Saudi:

Throws the glass away and walks away.

The American:

Takes the insect out, and drinks the Pepsi.

The Chinese:

Eats the insect, and throws the Pepsi away.

The Israeli:

Sucks the Pepsi from the insect before throwing the insect and drinks the Pepsi.

The Pakistani:

Accuses the Indians of throwing the insect into his Pepsi before throwing away both the insect and the Pepsi and vows to reply in kind.

The Indian:

Accuses Pakistan for helping the insect to infiltrate into the glass, supplying it with nourishment to continue swimming in the Pepsi, blames it as a long term ISI operation, terms the insect as an Islamic militant, then an Afghan mercenary and finally a Pakistan SSG commando in undercover operation and presents the identity card of the bug to prove that it indeed is a Pakistan army personnel in an undercover operation to change the status of Line of Control, shows this guy on Zee News, Doordarshan, Star TV and other influential Indian channels saying it is bla bla (some common Muslim name) makes it speak Urdu, which obviously the insect doesn’t know how to comprehend, and vows to defend every inch of the glass and every drop of the Pepsi and demands that the US should declare Pakistan a terrorist State!!!

Wednesday, 1 October 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 8

Hello Dear

Your future depends on your dreams; so go to sleep!

Imagine if your computer starts working in Punjabi then what will happen?

You will have commands like these on your computer:


Send = Sutto

Insert = Wich Paao

Attachment = Naal Laao

Edit = Sidda Karo

View = Waikhee Jaao

Forward = Aggay Sutto

Inbox = Undar Da Daak Khaana

Outbox = Baar Da Daak Khana

Trash = Mitti Paao

Sent Items = Bheji Gayee Daak

Address Book = Patay Wali Kaapy

Reply = Bejan Walay Nu Jawab do

Reply All = Saareyaan Nu Jawab do

Delete = Daffa Karo

Download = Thallay Laao

Download All = Saary Cheezan Noon Thallay Laao

Properties = Jaidaad

Connect = Naal Milaao

Fonts = Likhaai

Accounts = Galla

Drafts = Chitheeyaan

Find = Labbo

Paste = Thook Naal Chipkaao

From = Bhejan Walaa Banda

To = Door Betha Hoya Banda

Subject = Khaas Gall

Carbon Copy = Koelay Walee Naqal

Blind Carbon Copy = Anni Koelay Walee Naqal

Stationery = Pensal, Rubburd, Shaapnar

Folders = Thailay

High priority = Waddee Takleef

And finally Ctrl+Alt+Delete = Sara Syapa Mukao

Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 7

Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations. The only question asked was: ‘Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?’

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa, they didn’t know what ‘food’ meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn’t know what ‘honest’ meant.

In Western Europe, they didn’t know what ‘shortage’ meant.

In China, they didn’t know what ‘opinion’ meant.

In the Middle East, they didn’t know what ‘solution’ meant.

In South America, they didn’t know what ‘please’ meant.

In United States of America, they didn’t know what ‘the rest of the world’ meant.

Monday, 29 September 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 6

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: “Darling, I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but we until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple hasn’t paid their last bill: “Are you Mrs. Smith? You’re a month overdue, you know!”

“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.

“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the man from the electric company.

“What are you saying? It’s in your files?”

“Absolutely.”

“Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight.”

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.

“What’s going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?”

“Just calm down,” says the clerk, “it’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”
“PAY you? And if I refuse?”


“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut you off.”

“And what would my wife do then?”

“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.”

Sunday, 28 September 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 5

A British doctor says, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a brain out of one man, put it into another man and have him out looking for work in six weeks!”

A German doctor says, “Dat’s nottink! Vee can take a brain out of von person, poot it into anoder and have him preparing for war in FOUR weeks!”

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, “You guys are way behind! We just took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work and the other half is preparing for war.”

Monday, 22 September 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 4

A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he’s shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

“The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,” explains the guide. “The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!

“Wait a minute!” says the man taking the tour. “I understand what the hiss, hiss is, but what’s that pop every so often?”

“Oh, it’s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,” says the guide. “It pokes a hole in every tenth condom.”

“Well, that can’t be good for the condom!” the man states.

“Very true, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business.”

Sunday, 21 September 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 3

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and, all the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook.” He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. All of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!”

Friday, 19 September 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 2

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic woman chirps, “Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle, “Well...?”

She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’-2”, hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, ‘My God...’.”

Thursday, 18 September 2008

Joke from my jokes collection 1

I was in my car during a traffic jam, and I could see a man walking between the cars, apparently asking something to everyone as he passed. The man walks up to my car and knocks on the windshield.

I open the window and he asks: “Hey, Did you hear the news? The Pakistani Cricket team is being held hostage, and they ask Rs. 100 crore for their release. If they don’t pay it, they threaten to put petrol on the players, and light them!”
“Oh God!” I said, “This is just unbelievable”.

“That’s why I’m walking from car to car, to collect”, said the man.

While I was getting my wallet out of my pocket I asked the man how much most people usually give, and the man said: “Well, about 5 litres!”